One of the reasons that we feel safe and secure at home and with family is this simple fact: we know the people that we have lived with truly know us.
They know our likes and dislikes, our signals that it has been a good day or a bad day. The people who love us know the music, the jokes, the stories that we love to hear and those that make us cringe.
The people who know us best know if we are Red sox or Tampa Bay or even Yankees in our preference. They know if we go to church on Sundays and likely even know if we are first or second service folks.
The people who love us most know if we like a shower in the morning and if we will be in there for 5 minutes or 20 minutes. They know if we like to dress up to feel better or if we like to sit in pajamas and bathrobe to find comfort.
The people who love us have “learned” us. They know our story. They know the very things that make us, us. And we love them for that.
For those who are family caregivers it would seem that being a great caregiver is easy. We are talking about the very people who know us best. They are the person with whom we said “I do.” They are the person who we gave birth to. They are our husband, wife, brother, sister, daughter, son, niece, nephew, grand-daughter, or grandson. Or any combination of these.
So how could they not be great?
By the time we need a caregiver we may not be aware that we need help at all. Loss of judgment is common and even though we have not showered in 2 weeks we believe, no, we know, we do not need a shower. We are clean. And we can drive. And we have to get to work right away. Or get home to our children who are babies. Even though you, the daughter and caregiver is actually 55.
The obstacle to becoming a great family caregiver is often not a problem of the one needing care but of the caregiver themselves. A problem here for the family caregiver is that your judgment is perfectly intact. And so are your expectations of how your mother, father, husband or wife always behaves. Expectations are hard to dispel.
But shedding expectations does not have to mean giving up your agenda. It just may be executed differently.
Suspend your reality and enter theirs. Suspend your expectations of behavior and tap into that loving knowledge of just what makes your family member special and unique. Talk about the Red Sox or Tampa Bay, the dressing up and special day ahead. Re-establish the love each moment and guide the day.
The Alzheimer’s Association talks about “spending 5 to save 20.” Spend a little time to connect and save many more minutes battle free.
Growing up I never knew that my mother was not a morning person. She was up before us every day and making a wonderful breakfast, preparing school lunches while also getting ready for work. I never would have guessed she would rather linger in bed.
My father mentioned this recently in a casual way and now her morning routine with her present state of dementia makes perfect sense. So when she has refused to get up I ask if she wants a few more minutes. I leave and return in 5. I lie down on the bed and talk about the weather. My mother was always in charge of the weather in our home. Mom asks if everyone else is up. Her cue that she is ready. On we go into the day.
A great caregiver not only knows us and all or most of the facts about us, a great caregiver keeps those facts front of mind and puts those first.
When I visit with a family I have a deep desire to know the story behind today’s story. Today’s story tends to be about how mom is not able to cook anymore, or clean, or remember to shower. Or how dad can’t drive anymore.
The story behind today is how mom and dad met, where they worked and vacationed, raised children, laughed and loved.
I am not a great caregiver. I am part time. The scene above happens at our summer home, not at my home. I do reach for greatness and acknowledge my humanness. I know when help is necessary.
If you are a family caregiver and things get difficult remember the things that make your family member unique and add those touches. Try to let go of an agenda when met with resistance and return to a loving moment.
For those times when you need help, let the caregiver you have found know who your family member is. Share memories, pictures, and stories so they too can reach towards greatness.
That was great! Brought a tear to my eye. Mom always said she was not a morning person. Well said. Xo
Thanks Kathy. Isn’t it funny how we each know something about mom and dad but often they are different things. It makes me want to write it all down so these things are not lost over time.