Ok, so I looked everywhere for a perfect Thanksgiving Day picture from my past. I had a picture in my head; I know I’ve seen it. My grandmother and grandfather Chase, my mom and dad, and all of the aunts and uncles standing behind their chairs at the Chase family home in Watertown, the picture is being taken before anyone can sit down to eat Thanksgiving dinner and just after Grandpa has led grace. Our family grace went like this:

Be present at our table Lord,

Be here as everywhere adored,

These mercies blessed and grant that we may live in fellowship with Thee.

Looking these words up I find this:

Be present at our table, Lord;

Be here and everywhere adored;

Thy creatures bless, and grant that we

May feast in paradise with Thee.

We thank Thee, Lord, for this our food,

For life and health and every good;

By Thine own hand may we be fed;

Give us each day our daily bread.

We thank Thee, Lord, for this our good,

But more because of Jesus’ blood;

Let manna to our souls be giv’n,

The Bread of Life sent down from Heav’n.

These words were written in 1741 to music written in 1551. http://www.hymntime.com/tch/htm/b/p/o/bpotlord.htm

My grandparents were faithful believers and this is a part of my history that has great meaning. I cannot say these words without being back at a family table, either in Watertown Massachusetts or in White Plains, NY.

This Thanksgiving is different than many for us. Randy and I will be with my mom and dad at the nursing home where mom is staying for her rehabilitation. She is allowed 2 guests but they have graciously given us an exception. I made my soup that has become a traditional first course for those who usually share Thanksgiving with us at our home. I will add it to the dinner being served.

Prior to the illness that put mom in the hospital for 2 weeks and now has her in rehab, mom was very focused on Thanksgiving. For weeks she would ask what she should bring on Thursday. She woke one morning and asked if we could smell the turkey cooking yet. It was mid-October.

I can’t find the picture that I am remembering but I have this one. Dad hugging mom. This looks like he is truly thankful for her and his life with her.

And that is what Thanksgiving is about. Not the table but the blessings we have been given. We have abundant blessings. “In all things give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18.

Happy Thanksgiving to Everyone!

I have discussed the elements necessary to maintain good cognitive health throughout aging and, possibly slow the progression of dementia. I stumbled upon my own answer this September and I am feeling mentally sharper than ever, along with being sore and calloused.

It turns out that I have had a 33 year desire to row. This is a long buried desire of my subconscious.

When I was a freshman at Northeastern University, I followed a new friend down to the Charles River where we were excited observers of the Head of the Charles Regatta. At the time I do think I was equally impressed with the spectators as with the athletic rowers. Rowing is a preppy sport and this was 1980, The Preppy Handbook had just been published that month and everyone had not only read it, they were living it. Pink and green pants with alligators were everywhere and everyone had a perfect picnic basket on a blanket by the river. http://www.amazon.com/Official-Preppy-Handbook-Lisa-Birnbach/dp/0894801406

But I did also notice the rowing and I was enthralled. The synchronicity of 9 people in one shell, skimming across the water. I caught my breath. It looked like a perfect meditation. It looked effortless.

It is not effortless. The Baboosic Lake Rowing Club on Baboosic Lake in Amherst, NH is a new, non-profit club and I live around the corner from the beach on which these shells are launched. Hence my stumbling in to my long lost desire and my effort to prevent my cognitive decline. And I still stumble.

As the research states, it is good to learn something new to maintain mental acuity. Rowing is technical and did not come naturally to me. I went home after the first morning to tearfully tell my 16 year old that his mother was the worst one on the team. Being on the team, by the way, just meant passing a swim test. He calmly told me that to be good at something we have to stick with it and keep practicing. He has always been a good listener.

Legs, back, arms, arms, back, legs. These elements move separately to grab the most water, but smoothly. We are fast away with our arms, rock forward to 11 o:clock with our trunk, and slide slowly up the recovery, then send the boat away with our quadriceps, hinging back to the 1 o:clock position, then pinching off the stroke with our arms. We feather the oars as they rise out of the water, and with luck, or practice, hear that click and then click, back to square to catch the water. The oars, as if on a rubber band throughout the movement, stay 4-5 inches off the gunwales, setting the boat so we don’t rock side to side.

Timing is everything. We must enter and exit the water together or again the boat rocks to one side, oars on one side high in the air and on the other, dragging on the water. We are a team, but each responsible for our own stroke. Our coach Jim says each one must trust everyone else on the team to do what is right and in turn we are equally responsible. Hmmm. This sounds like a metaphor.

Further research on Alzheimer’s care and prevention of dementia indicate that learning a new language is one suggested activity to staying mentally young. Rowing fits the bill for me. This sport has its own language. Port, starboard, stern and bow are the sides, back and front of the boat. Don’t let it bother you that the front, the bow is behind you because you face away from where you are going. A “sweep” is a rower who rows with one oar, which we do. I row port which is on the left of the boat facing the bow but on my right when I am sitting in the boat. A sculler rows with 2 oars, thank goodness I don’t have to figure that out. One is enough.

The coxswain tells us what to do. The average age in our boat is about 48 (sorry team if I am off here) but our coxswain is 15. Please take note how the 15 and 16 year old in this story are the shining stars.

We always listen to her. She says “check it down” we square our oars in the water and stop the boat. She says “weigh enough” and we stop what we are doing. On the water this means holding the oars at that perfect spot above the water for the perfect set, and then dropping them on the water together. Smack. I hear it is supposed to sound great when it happens and I am excited for the moment when we do hit it together. On the beach this means we stop walking while the boat is sitting on our shoulders or overhead and wait for the next command. This boat is heavy, by the way.

But the point is less the muscles I am developing and more, I have learned a new language. Check that off my list of things to do for cognitive excellence. Of course, being physically active also goes a long way in maintaining our overall health and hopefully you can see how I am accomplishing this with my new preppy sport.

Out this spring is the news that socialization is critical to healthy aging. In fact, social isolation is as likely to contribute to early death as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. But I am not socially isolated. I am on a team. I am no longer alone in the basement trying to convince myself that my workout is more important than my family’s laundry. I am one of 9 people who sit in a shell of a boat together. We talk before we get in the boat, we talk a little as we carry the heavy boat and flip it over to set it in the water. We mostly follow directions and work together. But there is the basic sense of support that you get on an adult team. We are happy when we make progress. We congratulate each other. We enjoy the gorgeous mist rising off the lake at 6 in the morning as the sun comes up and the water invites us across. I am not socially isolated.

So rowing is my long lost sport, my new addiction, and my answer to the risks of cognitive decline with aging.

We are going to our first race on Sunday. We will take either first or second place of the two master’s teams racing. We will come away smarter, happier, and, I think, proud of our ability to listen to a 15 year old tell us what to do.

The bank, grocery store, hardware store, hairdresser. The doctor and dentist. Church or temple. The butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker. What if you had no way to get there? Wherever “there” is for you today, there is no doubt that giving up driving will impact your sense of helplessness.

It is not surprising that the discussion regarding the end to driving is met with panic and resistance. There is a lot of emotion tied up in this topic. The Society of Certified Senior Advisors lists fear of dependency above fear of death. Being unable to move about your community without assistance is the beginning of that stage seen as dependency.

Especially in New Hampshire where, according to the U.S. Department of Transportation, Bureau of Transportation Statistics, only 0.6% of workers use public transportation. http://www.rita.dot.gov/bts/sites/rita.dot.gov.bts/files/publications/state_transportation_statistics/new_hampshire/pdf/entire.pdf

To put ourselves in the proverbial shoes of the elderly, let’s compare this to a good New England Nor’Easter. As romantic as it seems, three days into a blizzard and many folks have cabin fever. We can’t wait to get back on the road. We are desperately in need groceries because we forgot to stock up. Even worse, we need our hair done (note a bit of sarcasm, but let’s face it ladies, this can make or break our day). More seriously, what if we are in need of chemotherapy to treat cancer and can’t get there. (Seniors Helping Seniors of NH recently had a call from someone who no longer drives, lives on his own, and has been diagnosed with cancer. His comment that a ride was going to determine his longevity was heart wrenching.) Now let’s say this is not just a three day blizzard, but the snowstorm of your life- the moment someone tells you that you will no longer drive again.

In a perfect world we would find that each aging person decides on their own, and prior to reaching a point of being dangerous, to give up the keys to the car. But we don’t live in a perfect world. One thing we do know is that there is no specific age when driving should end. Making this all the more difficult a conversation.

If you find that you are facing this discussion with your family member, remember first that this will be emotional. The anger, denial or frustration that you hear is likely that fear of dependency. A reminder that many things are beginning to feel more out of control. Recognize that the end to independent driving for a senior will require planning for transportation. It is not enough to just say “mom you can’t drive anymore.” Think ahead about ideas that will create improved quality of life while limiting or ending driving.

Seniors Helping Seniors of Southern and Seacoast NH specializes in improving quality of life. Many of those receiving our loving senior care were resistant at first and had some anger that they could not drive any longer. What is remarkable to observe is how the heart softens as a relationship develops. What began as a weekly ride to the hairdresser and grocery store, or the doctor and lab, or to dialysis or chemotherapy, evolves in to a dynamic and lasting friendship. Because the end of driving resulted in the beginning of a meaningful relationship with someone who understands.

Fran’s husband was recently hospitalized and the doctors have determined that he will not be able to return home. He is facing the end of his life. With her husband recently hospitalized and now facing the end of life, Fran, a wife of 65 years hopes that “God will take her quickly after he goes.” Fran describes the emptiness of living alone with the picture of being alone at her table for lunch when she “looks up from her plate and the room is empty. I am alone at the table and it feels awful.”

Two studies have revealed that social isolation is a predictor of premature death. To emphasize, not just a predictor but as good a predictor as alcoholism and a 15 cigarette per day smoking habit. Whoa! Can living alone really have that kind of impact on mortality? Apparently it can.

Is there a difference between loneliness and social isolation? Yes. Loneliness is a feeling. It is subjective and often leads to emotions of sadness and a sense of helplessness.

Social isolation, on the other hand can be measured objectively based on an individual’s contact with others. Social isolation in the elderly can be caused by many factors, some of which come with aging and the times we live in, including family living far away, divorce and death, loss or surrender of independent driving, as well as poor health and low income.

Seniors rank relationships with family and friends second only to health according to a study done in 2000. http://www.health.gov.bc.ca/library/publications/year/2004/Social_Isolation_Among_Seniors.pdf

And findings of the longest running studies done on health and happiness? It turns out that “supportive relationships are critical. In particular, the giving of support to others had the biggest impact on longevity and life happiness.” http://www.resilience.org/stories/2013-05-03/the-importance-of-supportive-relationships

If you have a friend or family member who is aging alone you can make a difference.  Face to face visits are vital and arranging for relationships that are give and take will assist in providing a sense of being valued.  Our elderly have a lifetime of support and advice to offer.

Fran is doing better than she expected as she has twice daily visits from providers of Seniors Helping Seniors of Southern and Seacoast NH. Arriving to make breakfast and do some housekeeping in the morning, and again to prepare dinner and clean up in the evening, the providers may share meal time by bringing their own dinner, increasing Fran’s desire to eat, but providing the social interaction so necessary for well-being. Supervision is provided for changing in and out of pajamas but the reminiscing about past travels with her husband, early days in the home and during his service in WWII are of greater value. Fran wants and needs to look back and reflect. Even greater, she is now giving while receiving as she sees how she contributes to the lives of those senior providers visiting. They share their stories and reassure Fran that she gives them greater purpose at this stage of their life. This is truly the essence of the phrase “it is in the giving that we receive the most in life.”

During my 4 hour orientation and in many of my presentations I show a 2 and ½ minute video titled “What is That?” It is a clip made in Greece with sub titles and it gives a quick look at living with someone with Alzheimer’s Disease. Many people who see it react at first with some anger towards a son who sits with his father. His father asks him over and over again “what is that?” and soon the son has had it. The question is easy to answer, it’s just the repetition, the over and over and over again that drives him crazy.

We have had numerous calls to Seniors Helping Seniors of NH for assistance with a parent who has been diagnosed with some form of dementia. These calls all come from loving and caring people. But they are people who need a break. One woman who works from home describes the constant interruption for the same question, 50 to 100 times a day, the same question and the same interruption.

Another wonderful daughter calls because if she does not get out tonight she just might drive herself off a bridge. And she wants to stay alive to take care of her mother for as many years as she has left.

The very first secret to great care giving is to get help. This can be through a business like Seniors Helping Seniors of NH where you know that you will have senior care providers who have passed background checks and gone through many qualifying interviews and training, or it can be through a friend or an adult day program. Either way, make sure that when you get help it is great help.

What does that look like? First, great care giving comes from a caring heart. A wonderful caregiver is not in this for the money but for the love. They understand that it is through giving that we receive.

One of our providers writes that it is a blessing to fix a breakfast for the 88 year old woman who she visits each morning because that 88 year old woman is going through a hard time with her husband just admitted to the hospital. How many times have we fixed breakfast in our lives and how often do we consider it a blessing?

A great caregiver looks first at who the person is and then at their diagnosis. He or she wants to know about the family they raised, the work they did, and things that make them an individual, unique and wonderfully made. They look at pictures and get clues if the story can no longer be told first hand. They ask family questions. And then they may sing that favorite song, they may read from that favorite book, they may just sit quietly together. And they will answer the same question over and over with love and patience.

We have such a strong association with Alzheimer’s Disease as a disease of the elderly. This is something we put off thinking about now, and with the humanness we are born with, go even further in our arrogance and think “not me.” But what if it is you? What if that forgetfulness is more than stress, more than fatigue, more than the changes that come with normal aging? What if you begin to not only forget details, but entire events? And what if you are only 48?

It is easy to say that you should walk in someone’s shoes to understand them better but often we do not get that opportunity. Often when someone is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease they have also accumulated numerous other age related maladies and/or the AD has progressed to the point that they can no longer describe the losses because they are no longer aware of the losses.

Alzheimer’s Disease (AD) is a disease that will have an impact on our lives. We are living longer and so are our friends and relatives. 1 in 10 over 65; 1 in 7 over 75; 1 in 2 over 85. These are grim statistics but it is the truth. More than 5 million Americans have Alzheimer’s Disease and by 2050 there will be 16 million people diagnosed. 70 percent of those with Alzheimer’s live at home.

For these reasons it is important to take the time to read and listen to the story of this woman and her husband. She is giving the gift of insight to millions who will have this disease or have a loved one with it. A chance to put on her shoes for a minute. For more click here.

What is it that you want to do but just can’t get to? What is it that calls your name and leaves you thinking “when I have more time” ?

Today I exited Route 95 at the Portsmouth traffic circle and, traveling less than a mile in an arc, I entered a community that recalls a different era, though now slightly updated. These homes, I have to imagine were developed out of the need for homes for those returning from WWII. The United States had an economy that was better than ever and Americans were seeking a better life. People moved out of cities and sought homes in newly designed suburbs—a term coined from sub and urban, to mean less than a city.

The homes I drive by today are classic post WWII.

A post-war house, thought of as a home built in the late 1940s throughout the 1970s, is tagged for having a sameness to them, where they’re indistinguishable from the rest of the neighborhood. But what they lack in originality, they make up in their dependable sturdiness.

These homes are rooted in American history, possibly some of the few home styles you learned about in high school. They were built as the American soldiers returned from fighting in World War II. Government legislation, such as the Federal Housing Administration and Servicemen’s Readjustment Act, helped to fuel the housing industry — which had been flagging in the 1930s and 1940s — and suddenly millions of Americans across the country were buying up single-family houses. http://www.frontdoor.com/home-styles/all-about-post-war-architecture

Although not originally from New Hampshire, the 509 Bombardment Wing is famous for the singularity of its mission—to drop the Atomic bomb. The group made history Aug. 6, 1945, when the B-29 “Enola Gay,” piloted by Col. Paul W. Tibbets, Jr., dropped the first atomic bomb on Hiroshima, Japan. http://www.whiteman.af.mil/news/story.asp?id=123062208

The 509th BW moved its personnel and equipment to Pease AFB, N.H. in August 1958. A perfect fit for the post war home built just under Route 95 and on the street I am traveling. This home has standard cement stairs painted gray and an iron railing painted white. A rose bush gives the home its own touch.

The woman I meet with in one of these homes spent all of her married years an Air Force wife. She is small and walks slowly on swollen legs. A curve to her back so she is bent forward, and although it is already 75 degrees and headed towards 80 today, she wears 2 long sleeve shirts and a silky housecoat.

In works, she put her husband and children first. She tended to her home and her community. And all of that time her heart was in the church. She shares with me today that her husband once joked that she should bring her bed on down to the church because Jesus Christ was her first love. She tells me that she has been given the gift of healing, that she is the vessel and that God still heals today.

When I ask her what her goals and objectives are in hiring Seniors Helping Seniors of NH she states that she wants help with the cleaning. She has to crawl up the basement stairs when she returns from doing laundry so she is certain she will not fall. Vacuuming, dusting, oven cleaning. Arthritis and diabetes make these chores difficult.

Her goal: To work for the Lord. Her interest: Evangelizing. I tell her she is lucky I live an hour away or I would be at her home every day. We pray together and both feel blessed.